www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com
© 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras

“Love is the answer for most of the questions in my heart. Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it’s so hard?”
.~Jack Johnson lyrics from Better Together

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RELIGIOUS / SPIRITUAL INFLUENCES:
Before I get into this important and delicate topic, I’d like to preface my thoughts by acknowledging that people of many different backgrounds will likely read this. As a result of such diversity, readers will — very understandably — come with many different perspectives and beliefs. This awareness makes me feel that it’s necessary to begin this chapter by stating the following: I think it’s important to express to you that I view religious differences in a positive light. I see them as tremendous opportunities to add to the collective beauty of this world. I share this with you because I want to make it clear that I respect you — regardless of whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs consist of — and I hope that you can offer me this same consideration. Having said that, I’d now like to dive right in by asking myself the following challenging questions:

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What is it that convinces me there is a God?
Am I convinced because of my upbringing? Is it because of the influence of family and others I’m close to? Is it because of societal influences and pressures? Do I believe in God because it’s what I believe, or is it because it’s what a select group of others have led me to believe?
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I’m sure all of the things touched on in the questions above play some part in my beliefs, yet when it comes down to it, I’m going to dare to say that God can’t be proven primarily by the influence of others. Well, maybe I should take that back. Some people may not have much freedom in what they choose to believe. So in cases such as this, I believe religion is, more than anything else, less about what the individual truly believes, and more about what they are told and expected to believe. Religion in these circumstances (when choice is not an option) seems to me to be an attempt to serve the particular needs and function of a society more than anything else.

These thoughts are bringing me to an important point: I believe the most ideal religious environments are those that give individuals the freedom to find God on their own. The God I believe in is a parental figure who teaches with love, not force. As with any relationship, I believe the strongest one I can form with God, is one that is formed under free will.

I want to create as many opportunities as possible to allow my relationship with God to grow, yet I’m constantly challenged by outside influences that sometimes misuse the power and glory of religion. To me, this is one of the most horrid of sins because it involves the misuse of hope. I believe this often occurs unintentionally. Groups of people follow religious laws that were established hundreds of years ago — so they go unquestioned — because time has a way of dispensing blindfolds and grandfathering-in things, for better or for worse.

These thoughts are at the root of some of the most challenging personal reflections I have regarding the subject of religion. When should I just accept and have faith? And when should I challenge religious views that don’t feel right? — views that feel more like they are satisfying an agenda of man, rather than spreading the love of God.

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I’d like to shift gears here, because I don’t want to focus on the confusing parts of religion, because there are so many glorious parts!—but I suppose I needed to mention some of the discomfort I feel, to most accurately answer the question I initially posed…
What is it that convinces me there is a God?

Oddly enough, one thing that helps to convince me there is a God, is the fact that I believe there is a God. I believe my perceptions, my beliefs, are incredibly powerful – so powerful in fact that it makes me wonder if my perception of God makes God real, simply because I have the perception — simply because I believe in the perception. Here’s a quote that reminds me of all this:
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t — you’re right.” ~Henry Ford (1863-1947)

Can God exist, can a heavenly afterlife exist, simply because I believe it does? Simply because I will it to be? Am I in a sense creating God, by simply allowing God to exist in me? Is believing the only requirement that God asks of me?
Believing seems to work about as well as anything I can think of when it comes to great occurrences in this physical word. Does the powerful act of believing carry over into a spiritual afterlife too? These types of questions fascinate me.

I do believe. But is the fact that I believe, and my hunch that what I believe actually plays a large role in where I go, strong enough to convince me that there is a God? I’m not quite sure. I know I can say that those thoughts feel like a very strong contributing factor, but I think more is involved.

A peaceful thought just came to my mind. I think what convinces me most is what I feel in my heart. The tiny, yet big, part of my heart that remains untouched by human desires and influence. I believe within this spot, exists a spark of God that is an integral part of me. I believe this spark, though not boisterous and flashy, is very accessible and tangible. It’s a soft guiding light that is as pure as anything I’ve ever felt. It glows when I do something godly. It glows when I help someone, when I put others first. It glows when I smile. It glows when I love others. It glows when I let others love me. It glows when I’m surrounded by the beauty of nature — when I’m walking on a dirt trail in the park and have to stop in awe to look at the rays of golden sunshine piercing through the trees. It glows when I see the majesty of a rainbow, when I hear a cat purr, when I hear a child laugh. It glows when I move my body, when I run, as fast as I can, and my heart is pounding, and I’m sweating, and my feet can barely keep up with how fast my soul is moving. It glowed when I witnessed my son being born. He came into the world crying and full of life, and was placed on my wife’s chest, where he was comforted by her soft and loving touch. I will forever be spellbound by the thought of the miracle that took place that day. Five months later it glowed when my wife died. I’ve never felt so close to God as I did at that time. Its glowing light gave me hope during a hopeless time.

All of this tells me that there is more to my existence than this physical life. All of this tells me there is something really great to look forward to after my time here on Earth is over. All of this tells me that I don’t have to fear death; death is just an illusion.

I will continue on. And this isn’t something that stems from me being afraid of the thought of “this being it” or “death being the end”, because that doesn’t worry me. Even if this physical life was all there ever was, and my entire being died along with my physical body, I would still be very okay with that. Why? Because I feel very satisfied and content knowing that my love will forever remain in those that I touched during my time here, and thus will become a part of everything that they touched, too (as I was witness of when Julie died). So the thought of this being the end doesn’t frighten me, because I’m already certain that the influence I have on others during my time here, in itself, is everlasting life. But, I believe there is even much more than that. I know it deep down in my heart where that spark resides. That place that I believe is the holiest place of my being; here is where I know that God does indeed exist. And in that spark I am made aware of what God is — God is Love. In that spark I am also made aware that I will always be OK, because God, because Love, will always find a way.

This belief is as grand as they come. It gives me infinite strength because I know that I am a small, but mighty, extension of God. God is with me. God is in me. God is teaching me — through my actions and reactions — how to shine bright and make his presence known.

In conclusion, what convinces me that there is a God?
Love.

 

DATING / RELATIONSHIPS:
“Life is a celebration of relationships.”
  ~Leo Buscaglia (1924-1998)

Dating certainly has played a role in the health of my soul. It plays a significant part in fulfilling one of my soul’s most basic needs — the need to connect with others.

Dating is exciting. Dating is possibility. Dating is fun. I’ve also found that dating can be scary, overwhelming, consuming, confusing, and lead to great heartache. Here are some of my strengths and weaknesses that have contributed to it all:

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My strengths as a widower:
I experienced a really dreamy love affair with Julie, a love story that will certainly continue until I take my last breath — and will exist in some capacity beyond that too. But where does that leave me now? I know exactly where it leaves me. It leaves me in a great and hopeful place. Why? Because I am filled with her love, AND, I have the ability to welcome more love into my life. There is always room for more love; the only ceiling that will ever exist when it comes to love, is a self-imposed one, which I will avoid creating because why would I want to try to limit my ability to love? My heart and soul is capable of an infinite amount of giving and receiving.

My weakness as a widower:
Julie. I am still in love with her.

Some dating strengths:
I like to connect with people. I feel the most wonderful energy when I’m deeply engaged with another. I am truly interested in others, and I think others are attracted to me because they can tell I genuinely care about them and what they have to say.

Some dating weaknesses:
I compare other women to Julie. And I’m a hopeful, passionate, excitable person who wants to make everything work.
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Like everyone else, I come with some lovable attributes and some difficult ones too. I believe this is what makes dating such an exciting experience. Two people coming together, each with unique strengths and vulnerabilities, and each with potentially very different expectations of the goal of the time spent together. Some daters are just looking for casual company and enjoyable moments together. For other daters, it’s much more about finding “the one”. I have found myself at different points along this spectrum. I’ve also found myself feeling peaceful and confident one minute and completely confused the next. Dating can be quite an adventure!

Are you supposed to patiently wait for the butterfly to land on your shoulder? Are you supposed to accelerate the process by putting little drops of organic honey on your shoulder? Are you supposed to chase the elusive butterfly and capture it in a huge net?!…then offer it organic honey? And do butterfly’s even like organic honey?
Where’s the dating instruction book?! That’s what I would like to know.

I find that dating can be exhausting, particularly Internet dating. I have found it to be such a wonderful tool to connect with people that I would have otherwise never had the chance to meet, but the exhausting part for me comes from the fact that it all happens at such an accelerated pace. It feels unnatural to me largely because there are just so many opportunities. Similar opportunities are presented at one time or another in my everyday life, but at a much slower pace. Online, things happen so quickly! This can feel good and flattering, but I find that it can get to be too much. There are too many things to keep up with — new profiles to read, old ones to re-consider, heartfelt messages received that warrant a response, new messages to create to express interest. It all takes a tremendous amount of energy, and I’ve found it can lead to unhealthy feelings of racing inside me; racing to keep up with it all. I can get so occupied with not wanting to miss out on someone great that I start to miss out on all the great already in my life. Therefore I found it helpful to take breaks from Internet dating when I needed to re-balance.

Although dating exhausts me at times, as a whole, I really do enjoy the experience. The anticipation on the way to a first date is often tension filled, yet so incredibly exciting! I can compare it to how I felt being in my high school chemistry lab, where I used to love mixing different chemicals together to see how they would react. Would the chemicals exist in harmony, complimenting one another, changing each other in a desirable way? Would nothing happen? Would there be a noisy, bubbly, and volatile reaction? I love all the possibility-filled unknowns of dating.

Now more than ever, the dad in me recognizes that with possibility comes the need to be responsible. So what are my responsibilities when it comes to dating? Tough question, but one that I think is worth exploring. Here are some thoughts that come to mind:

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I have a responsibility to offer the best of myself to the person I’m dating. I have the responsibility to maintain my health — my mind, body, and soul — so that I will be operating from a stable place, increasing my ability to make health enhancing decisions for myself and for all involved. I have the responsibility of loving myself and of allowing others to love me. I have the responsibility to listen to my heart, so I can be true to myself.
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In spite of any hardships that have come from dating, I haven’t given up. I still think it’s all a very worthwhile venture. I still have faith in myself; I still have faith in love. Love will find a way. It always does.

Annnnd, I’m happy to announce that I have a plan to assist love. There are two parts to my plan. The first part involves organic honey(!). The second part involves continuing to build a better me. A more balanced mind, body, and soul directly equates to a Me that has a greater ability to love myself, love others, and to be loved. The more I am able to create a paradise within myself, the more attractive/attracted I become to someone who’s created her own paradise. I’m certain that I will get it right again someday. Until then, I will continue to connect with all the love that is already in my life. I am surrounded by love. I will be just fine.

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These dating reflections come at the tail end of the four Maintaining Health chapters. I’m happy to have these thoughts conclude these chapters because they remind me of one of the most important reasons for all this “taking care of myself” stuff: I’m built for others.

This awareness is especially valuable to me because it motivates me to be more, for all the relationships in my life. Therefore, maintaining my health is truly a giant act of love, given as a gift to anything or anyone I come in contact with. Life is made up of one big glorious relationship. All are one. Caring for myself, loving myself, is invaluable because not only is it a fantastic grief reliever, it also allows me to fulfill my greatest role in life — loving the world around me.

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Click here to continue to the final chapter (Chapter 11), but before you go…
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