(3/18/13)
David and I volunteer for hospice and went to the nursing home this evening to visit with our friend. We’ve visited with her for months now and have gotten pretty close. In spite of the circumstances, we almost always end up having uplifting conversations. Today we read a children’s book together about two bunnies who fell in love. She sat quietly in her bed as she took in the bright illustrations and listened to the sweet story. Afterwards, she had the warmest smile, and a far off gaze, and I could tell that she was thinking back about a fond memory. She went on to tell me how much she loves the way a child’s eyes look when they are being read to. Funny, I was thinking the same thing about her eyes as I was reading to her. Then we chatted about other things. I asked her, “how are you feeling?” I often cringe when I ask this question, because I fear that someday someone’s going to tell me, “how the heck do you think I’m feeling??…I feel horrible…I’m going to die soon!” I fear that someone will think I’m being insensitive…when in reality, I’m asking because I care and want to know if there’s anything I can do to make them more comfortable. So with hesitation, I ask, “how are you feeling?”…and my dying friend looks at me with this twinkle in her eye and playfully says, “with my fingers!” I start laughing and laughing. She starts laughing. And glowing. I tell her, “I love that…I’ve never heard that before!” “Oh yes,” she says, “we used to say stuff like that all the time. I have a bunch of ’em.” She tells me she likes to make people laugh. And she looks so proud that she still has it in her. She sips her coffee (oh how she loves her coffee), and with the most content and reassuring smile on her face, she tells me, “it’s weak…but it’s still good”
“Yes,” I think to myself, “yes you are.”
We say our good-byes. I know it won’t be long now, and I’ve learned to make good-bye’s count. The three of us have been very fortunate to have had lots of these types of good-byes — meaningful ones that you don’t take for granted. I don’t know how many more we’ll get. Hard. I think the only way I can continue to do this type of work is because I can feel myself grow in a powerful way during these visits. I think it’s because I can feel a sparkly piece of her attaching to me…a piece of her that will live on in me forever. And in David. And now in you. So that comforts me, and brings me peace, and makes me smile…even during times like this…when there are big tears rolling down my face.
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