FEAR IS OK
(the comments below were taken from a Northshore P.R.E.P.S. gymnastics “Keys to Success” document and discuss ways in which parents can help their kids overcome Fear in gymnastics. I appreciated the guidance. It also made me think about how Fear plays a significant role in Grief, and how these same thought patterns may also help to make grief less scary)
“I can’t” means it is not possible for that person to do something. This is FAILURE BEFORE TRYING, which is negative self-confidence. NEGATIVE SELF-CONFIDENCE IS A FEELING. That feeling my be real or imagined, but it is a feeling. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings. Telling someone “YES, YOU CAN” only tells the person that they cannot trust their own feelings and they are a failure.
So what might you do? CHANGE THE WORD “CAN’T”, TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE. Try to help the child REPLACE THE WORD “CAN’T” WITH ANOTHER FEELING WORD. “I’m scared, I need help, it’s too hard, I don’t know how to do it.” Once they have changed the word to another feeling word, you have something tangible to work with. (Personalize the progression of the skill for the child so the child can be successful.)
Get down to the child’s level by asking questions “Are you scared, etc. rather that saying “Trust me – you can.” (Don’t trust yourself, you don’t know what you are talking about.) Don’t undermine self-trust. Don’t argue with them. “Would it be less scary if we do it together? Or would it be less scary if I lowered the bar and we did it slowly?”
BEING SCARED IS NORMAL AND NATURAL AND IT’S OK! Children need to learn to deal with the feeling. They need to learn to deal with anxiety and learn how to handle it. It’s not a red light; it’s a yellow light. It’s learning how to take risk and finding the result is FUN NOT FAILURE. Being careful. Do your homework. Lower the progression, the beam, the bars, etc. Take the fear out of risk. Fear does not have to make sense. It’s an emotion. Acknowledge fear and work together to overcome it.
Get down to the child’s level by asking questions “Are you scared, etc. rather that saying “Trust me – you can.” (Don’t trust yourself, you don’t know what you are talking about.) Don’t undermine self-trust. Don’t argue with them. “Would it be less scary if we do it together? Or would it be less scary if I lowered the bar and we did it slowly?”
BEING SCARED IS NORMAL AND NATURAL AND IT’S OK! Children need to learn to deal with the feeling. They need to learn to deal with anxiety and learn how to handle it. It’s not a red light; it’s a yellow light. It’s learning how to take risk and finding the result is FUN NOT FAILURE. Being careful. Do your homework. Lower the progression, the beam, the bars, etc. Take the fear out of risk. Fear does not have to make sense. It’s an emotion. Acknowledge fear and work together to overcome it.
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You are one amazing person. First of all you have such a talent for writing. You are methodical, sensible, and computer savy too! (I know not about blogging, tweeting, and very little about Facebook!) One of my goals with PREPS is to teach children not only gymnastics, but skills and values that will be with them their entire life. David is such a fortunate boy to have a father like you. You don’t just read words, you read between the lines and truly focus on what’s important. You have the gift of wisdom that allows you to see what’s important and then pass it on to so many more people in any number of situations, so they may see how it relates to them. I know that there really aren’t words to express your loss, but somehow you find a way to express such a deep loss and turn it into a ray of light for other people. I truly believe that everyone has a purpose in this world. Yours may very well be to use your talents sharing your experiences and “shrinking the grief”.