www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com
© 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras
“The beginning is always today.”
~Mary Wollstonecraft (1759-1797)
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The long drive home from the hospital felt dreamlike and was filled with unsettling feelings of shock and disbelief. My life was no longer the same. This was the first time I had been home in several days, and after entering our incredibly quiet and dark house I headed straight for our bedroom. I had to face this dreaded room. The room where my beautiful wife, Julie, spent her last conscious moment alive. It was the place I least wanted to be, but the place I most needed to be.
I felt so scared and alone; adrenaline helped me to act without hesitation. I swung open the bedroom door and turned on the light. I stood motionless as I stared at the wooden floor next to our bed, the spot where my 27-year-old wife collapsed and lay lifeless after her cardiac arrest. This was the spot where paramedics frantically tried to convince her heart to start again. The haunting spot she would be taken from, to be rushed to the hospital where she would spend her final six days of life in a coma.
I was in total shock as to what was now lying in this same spot. A little embroidered throw pillow, which we normally kept on the top of our bed, had mysteriously made its way down to the floor below where it seemed to be waiting for me. The pillow sat perfectly square on that exact spot where Julie last lay—with its beautiful message holding me captive. The stitching on the face of the pillow read, “Live well, Laugh often, Love much”.
The message filled me with love—and questions. How in the world did that pillow make its way to such a significant place? In the days that followed, I searched and searched for any kind of logical explanation but came up empty. I don’t know how my wife did it, but I am convinced that she somehow found a way to leave me with this last simple and healing message. It is a message that I am extremely grateful to have received. “Live well, Laugh often, Love much” has come to be one of my most soothing and hopeful thoughts. It provides me with instant direction, particularly during times of great struggle.
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So now that I’ve shared some of the end with you (Or was that more like the beginning? It’s hard to separate the two sometimes.), I feel the need to tell you a little bit about this amazing woman who made such a big impact on me and this world. That’s her in the picture below. Julie. I was completely head over heels in love with her. We married in June of 2000, after a 2 year courtship, and were blessed to have spent almost 4 years of marriage together. She was one of those people who could light up a room, and she was a joy to be around (except when I was really late for something!). Her big bright gorgeous eyes, her beautiful warm smile, her deep soulful head-tilting-back contagious laugh, her sweet innocence, her straightforwardness and brutal honesty — turned me to happy mush inside! I loved her with every part of my being.
Wedding Day
Eric(26) & Julie(24) – June 2000
Christmas Fun
Julie(27) – December 2003
Valentine’s Day Date
Eric(30) & Julie(27) – February 2004
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Julie was an elementary school teacher who had a way of making whatever she touched in this world, better. I think what was at the core of this gift was her wonderful ability to convey to people that she believed in them. I was one of the fortunate people who grew from this gift of hers. She expressed a faith and belief in me that made me feel like I could move mountains. Her belief in me was instrumental in my decision to return to school to get back into the teaching program I had dropped out of years before we met. She was simply amazing, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have had the time we did have together.
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In October of 2003, we welcomed baby David into the world! Our family of two grew into three! His birth is a miracle I will never forget. Nor will I ever forget the love that I witnessed as Julie held David for the first time. I have yet in all my days, come to see anyone express such happiness and love, as she did on that incredibly joyful day. Thinking about that moment instantly brings me to happy tears. And it may sound ridiculous to hear that anyone could squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short months, but I believe that is exactly what she unknowingly managed to do for David.
Love at First Sight
Mommy(27) & David(birth) – October 2003
Heavenly Gift
Daddy(29) & David(birth) – October 2003
Being Born is Tiring!
Our Precious Boy
Mommy(27), Daddy(30), David(2months)
December 2003
Family
Christmas 2003
Together
Daddy, Mommy, & David – December 2003
Last Picture Taken of Julie
March 2004
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At age 27, five months after David’s birth, Julie died very unexpectedly from a heart disease called cardiomyopathy. Up until the moment of her cardiac arrest, she appeared to be in good physical health. I remember telling my dad that our story felt like a happy movie with a bad ending. But since that time I’ve come to understand that Julie’s death was not at all the end of our love story. In fact, I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to say that my love for her has since evolved into something even more beautiful.
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When Julie died I was a year and a half away from earning my bachelor’s degree and teaching license. I questioned the attainability of this dream. It’s not that I didn’t want to finish school; it’s just that everything felt so overwhelming, and my path felt so unclear. I was unemployed and going to school full time. I had baby David and a house to care for, a mortgage, and other bills that somehow needed to be paid. We would soon lose our health insurance that Julie’s teaching job had previously provided us. My new world was so hectic, confusing, and scary. But as much as I felt like giving up at times, thankfully, I was always able to find a good reason to carry on.
One of my “good reasons” came in the form of finding a way to finish school. Julie’s love, support, guidance, and passion for teaching were such huge inspirations for me, that finishing school had become much more than just my dream. This had become a dream that we were accomplishing together. A dream that in so many ways she made possible. I soon realized that I simply couldn’t allow myself to fail—because if I did, I felt like I would be failing her. And I couldn’t let that happen.
With the help of family and friends supporting baby David and me, and Love Finding a Way, I graduated with honors and earned my teaching degree. As I walked across the stage and received my diploma, I raised my hand up high to the heavens to recognize Julie, and felt the most incredible sense of peace and satisfaction. We did it.
KSU Graduation Day
Daddy(32) & David(2) – December 2005
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As I look back on my graduation, I’m reminded of other times in my life when I transitioned from life with Julie, to life without Julie. I just now realize, that in all reality, this idea of a transition is one that never has, or never will, take place.
There never was a time when I was going to school with Julie, and a time when I was going to school without Julie. There never was a time when I was raising David with Julie, and a time that I was raising David without Julie. No matter what life variable I put into this equation, it always comes out the same way. Julie’s love is a permanent part of me, of our son, and of everything else that she has touched.
There doesn’t need to be a “beginning” and an “end”, nor is it even possible to have a beginning and an end. It’s all connected. It’s all forever flowing. And I’m ok with that. No, I’m more than ok with that. I’m actually feeling ecstatic—because that means I don’t have to transition to a life without Julie! Doing so would be unnecessary, and actually counterproductive, because it would be a losing battle from the start.
The beginning is always today…because there never truly is an end. Julie will always be with me regardless of the fact that she is physically absent. The more I reflect on death, the more I understand that love will always bridge any gap.
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Click here to continue to the next chapter (Chapter 2), but before you go…
If you’ve connected with any of the content you’ve just read in Chapter 1, please consider posting a response below to share your valuable thoughts and experiences with others.
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I was so thrilled to receive the gift of your story Eric and immediately read Chapter One. I can’t describe to you how powerful your thoughts are as a beautiful tribute to honor Julie. Your appreciation for what you have is an inspiration to everyone who focuses on negatives. What a beautiful love story……
I truly believe that everyone has a purpose in life. To me, it’s not coinsidence that you and your wife met and built a life together. You are such a genuine person, and you turned a tragidy into a blessing. You are right. There are different levels of every relationship. There is no end. The door just opens up into another room filled with love if you let it.
You have a gift of being able to express your thoughts and feelings so well. We are all blessed to be able to read your story. My hope is that your story will touch the hearts of many people. And for David, your son will always be able to know and feel his mom’s love through his daddy. That’s a true blessing.
Eric,
Thank you for including me in the invitation to read your book. I can connect to the feelings and emotions, but in a Mother-Son way. Eleven days after the 9/11 attacks, my Mom collapsed and passed away. She, similar to Julie, was a teacher and presumably in good health. She saw me graduate college in August of 2001, met her first grandson that same month and was physically gone a month later. At the age of 23, being the only boy and youngest of 4 and a true “mama’s boy”, really felt lost. If it wasnt for my girlfriend, now wife, who gave me an endless amount of support and a Brady-Bunch like relationship i have with my sisters, I dont know how difficult the grief would have been to deal with.
I look forward to read the remaining chapters, and plan to comment, as I imagine a number of items will really connect with what I expereienced in the first couple years and continue to experience after starting a family.
Thanks again for including me Eric.
Pete-
… And now we know why David is filled with such a precious presence shared with his classmates and teachers each day! rap
I am so behind in my grading and writing that I had no business clicking on any link. But I felt pulled in with your introduction and appeal. I was half way through chapter one when I learned that Julie died of Cardiomyopathy. It hit me like a bullet. I had cardiomyopathy too. The Doctors called it peripartum cardiomyopathy, because it was associated with pregnancy and delivery. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure a week after the birth of my son. I had a milder symptom with the birth of my daughter 18months earlier at the age of 23years. I did not even know how close to death I was until the event with my son. It took me several months to recover. My son is 17 years old now. I count my blessing everyday for the joy of seeing him grow. I pray that your faith in Julie’s seamless presence will be there for David too. May Love continue to help you shrink his grief, your grief and that of millions of other grieving people. Thanks for the gift of love. Thanks for honoring Julie and finishing school. Welcome professional colleague.
I felt compelled to read the first chapter right away. Thank you so much fir sharing your beautiful llove story with the world. Love you!
I knew Julie from school and she was an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. It has already showed me a new way of looking at things and helping myself and my family heal from my father’s death.
Julie touched the life of every teacher and student she met at Kenston and she continues to do so. I am reminded of her everytime a student checks out a book from the library that was donated in her honor. Her picture smiles up at me from the front of the books and she makes me smile. Thanks for sharing your very personal story.
You have a great heart Eric. Glad to call you a friend. Thanks for sharing such a personal story. Can’t wait to read on!
A friend of mine forwarded me a link to your website. I felt compelled to take a few moments and review what was just sent my way. After reading the first chapter, I am encouraged to continue reading your story. Your reference to Love being permanent is a major belief to how I myself have dealt with grief. You never really get over anything, and loved ones are always with you. Grief provides us with many choices and I am very interested to see some of yours.
I am looking forward to reading the rest. My husband passed away 15 months ago from cardiomyopathy & I continue to take one day at a time. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing your deeply personal story, Eric, in such a loving way. While grief is universal, dealing with grief so directly and with such positive strength is not easy. I look forward to reading on!
Hi Eric…..I haven’t read it yet, but I am so anxious to do so. Each time I start to read it, I can’t see for the tears. I will get better. I KNOW how good this is going to be and just how heartfelt because the very few times I was lucky enough to speak with you, the effect on ME was profound.
Is there an actual “book” out there to purchase a hard copy or do I just read it on line. Forgive me if the answer is on your website, I haven’t read everything yet.
All the best to you……………in my mind’s eye, I can still picture you at age two and under when I was lucky enough to see you much more often. You loved my dad and I think YOU were his greatest gift ever in addition to YOUR dad.
Hi Linda, I was excited to get your comment! Thank You so much for stopping by to check out my book, and Thank You for all of your heartwarming words (that exact sentiment goes out to Everyone that has visited this site! Every visitor here, and every comment that is left, feels like the BIGGEST gift. THANK YOU ALL for making this book/website a dream come true for me. I hope that your time here helps in some way to make Your dreams come true too). I’m grateful that I had an opportunity to love and be loved by your dad. And I too have enjoyed, and have been moved by, the conversations that we’ve had in the past. You’re an exceptionally easy person to talk to — it’s easy to feel at home with you. What a wonderful gift you have!
You asked if there was a hard-copy version of my book available. (Before I answer that, I must express that I feel very flattered at your level of interest in my story!) My book is only available online. I plan on investigating what it would cost to have a hardcover version made for David and me, so we could have a special edition of it for our home. Others have been asking me about a hardcover version too, so if I’m able to find a printing company that could make copies at a reasonable cost, maybe down the road I can offer a hardcover version to you…and anyone else who has expressed interest. In the meantime, if any of my book chapters feel extra meaningful to you, you can always use your home printer to print off a copy
EricV
Hi Linda! Thank you for your interest and encouragement to create a print version of my book! It is now available in paperback on Amazon’s Createspace! It was such a labor of love, and I’m so excited to share it with the world. https://www.createspace.com/5290588
I am new to the “widow” role and just read your first chapter after having written my own story (writing has always been incredibly therapeutic for me). Anyway, my soulmate died of cardiac arrest, a picture of health and love up until that fateful Xmas eve morning. My heart dropped when I read about the pillow. After his death, I layed on the very spot to be where his last breaths were taken. Anyway, what touched me was the comments about a life beginning without her – a concept that I have been struggling with. You gave me hope that he will always be a part of my life. I look forward to reading more.
As I browsed the widows forum searching for, well I am not really sure, I suppose some hope after tragedy and I ended up on your blog. I read this first chapter with tears falling. Such a beautiful precious family, such a memorial to your wife, such open and genuine. I look forward to reading more – God bless !
Good job(:
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful girl. I am an old time family friend and knew Julie from the time she was a baby. The book is very inspiring. God bless you and your son.
Just read the first chapter and I can totally relate. My husband died 4 months ago and although he is physically not here, I look to him for guidance and advice daily. Our love will always be our bond. Just the way we communicate has changed.
Thank you for writing this. It helps to read other’s experiences. Best of luck to you and your son.
I have just finished reading your book. It was very inspirational to me being a 38yr old widow who has not had the time to grieve fully due to the timing of my loss. I lost my husband, Matt Said three weeks after our twins were born. Needless to say I have been happily distracted for 5 years now! When Noelle, my sister-inlaw told me about the book I read it immediately and now have a new hope of gaining the strength you so portray in your book. Thank You
Hi, my husband and I discovered your wonderful site and book thru a touching article that appeared in The Plain Dealer, written by Regina Brett.
God bless you Eric and David.
A father finds enough hope for two: Regina Brett
Published on Father’s Day: Sunday, June 17, 2012, 5:10 AM
By Regina Brett, The Plain Dealer The Plain Dealer
The moment he became a father, Eric felt a tremendous awe.
He calls the moment he saw his son enter the world “the dreamiest of dreams.”
Five months later, it felt as if the dream had ended. Eric became a widower and a single parent.
Eric Vaiksnoras was in the living room when he heard a loud thump. He found his wife unconscious on the floor in their bedroom. Julie was just 27 when her heart stopped from a heart condition called cardiomyopathy.
The moment Eric became a widower, he knew he’d give his all and his everything to be both a mother and a father. When he looked at baby David, he knew they were going to be OK. He just didn’t know how.
When he came home from the hospital, he went to the bedroom where he last saw Julie alive. He was stunned to see the little embroidered pillow they had kept on top of their bed sitting on the exact spot where Julie had fallen. The stitching read: “Live well, Laugh often, Love much.” He believes that was her last message to him.
He set out to live that message. He shares it in an online book at http://www.honeyishrunkthegrief.com. He wrote, “Death is teaching me an amazing and life changing lesson: Love Will Find a Way. Always.”
And it has.
Eric found pieces of hope in his new world. “I felt so hope-deficient inside that I needed massive quantities of it to meet the demands of my healing heart,” he wrote. “I began to see that I could locate a piece of hope in just about anything, and when I did, I would try and find a way to grow from it.”
David is now 8. Eric is 38.
After Julie died, Eric had to sell their home and move in with his mom for a while. He finished his degree at Kent State in physical education and a master’s in health education. His mother-in-law helped watch David.
Then she died. Then his father died.
“He instilled in me a strong belief that I can do what I set out to do,” Eric said. “That’s a vital thing in this world — to believe in yourself.”
Especially when you’re believing for two.
Eric coaches David’s T-ball and flag football teams. The two volunteer every week visiting hospice patients at Wickliffe Country Place. One day, David brought his guitar. A resident pulled a harmonica out and played “Amazing Grace.”
How sweet the sound.
David has no memory of his mom. The photos on his dresser at their home in Eastlake show their last, and only, Christmas together. Julie taught him how fragile life is. Eric teaches him how resilient they both are.
Eric tells him that his mom loved him for a lifetime, not just for five months. He shares her joy in all they do. David just finished second grade. Eric is looking for a job teaching phys ed in an elementary school.
The pillow is in Eric’s dresser, in his “memorial” drawer. He took off his wedding ring and bought himself a new ring to remember the love they shared.
Before they were married, Julie and Eric created their own prayer. They prayed it before dinner. After Julie, Eric held David close and said the prayer to him as he tucked him in. David now says it with him before bed:
Dear God, Thank you for the challenges and wonderful things that happened today. Help us to use our experiences today to build and strengthen our lives together and with you. Help us to see your wonderful world and guide us through all our tomorrows.
They walk into every tomorrow together. They put Julie’s initials on the back of their sneakers in permanent marker to remind them that every step they take will always include her.
Love found a way, a way for them to remember her and to move forward without her.
“I just live in a way that is best for my soul,” Eric said.
And for David’s.
To reach Regina Brett: rbrett@plaind.com, 216-999-6328
Eric,
Your tremendous loss has exposed your incredible gift. Your ability to express your thoughts and feelings not only helped you move forward with your life, but will no doubt give many others the inspiration they will need to keep going. Usually there are no words that one can relate at a time of ultimate loss…but the story you tell no doubt was what you needed to understand and deal with Julies death. Julie will continue to live through your story and help more people than you ever could have imagined. I wish you and your son the very best in the future.
I am deeply sorry for the “physical” loss of your wife. I could probably write a book right here and now about experiences I’ve encountered similar to the “pillow”. There’s not a shred of doubt in my mind – that was most definitely a message from your wife. After my mom passed in 2007 I had several similar happenings that had no real explanation other than being a direct message from a loved one. It’s incredible to experience, yet unfathomable to many that haven’t had the experience. To this day I still shake my head when I think back.
God Bless You, continue to Live, Laugh, and Love!
Love is all around us; at all times. Though Julie may be gone from the Earth in concrete physical form, she is still here. Her love and spirit will always encompass you and David. Though you may not see her, you will definitely feel her presence surrounding you both forever.
love does not die, it lasts
I lost my wife followed by a cardiac arrest recently. I was in deep depression. Your book helping me to come out of this. GOD bless you.