www.HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com
© 2012 Eric Vaiksnoras

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others…for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.”
.~Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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Giving is such an incredible gift for everyone involved. It’s one of the most powerful things I’ve felt in this world and has been one of my biggest sources of relief and healing. I attribute much of this to the fact that giving involves putting others before myself. This act is freeing. Giving takes the focus away from me; it opens my eyes and ever so gracefully causes me to surrender to life. It connects me to my world, gives me purpose, and fills me with peace and love. Among numerous other positive things, the result is freedom from whatever life stressors I’m experiencing.

My largest outlet for giving throughout my widowed years has been my role as a Dad because parenting requires constant giving. And even though being an actively involved single parent is exhausting at times, being a Dad has been, without question, one of my greatest joys. As with any other kind of giving I’ve experienced, the rewards of parenting are hardly a one sided endeavor.  The constant giving also results in constant receiving.

Writing this book has also been a huge source of giving for me. I’ve never taken on a writing project of this magnitude before, and I’ve found it to be far from easy, but I carried on because this book has always been about much more than meeting my needs. I have been extremely motivated by the fact that this project is a way for me to give back, a way to share in this journey with others, and a way for me to help create a rainbow in the midst of a storm. Overcoming the struggles involved in writing this book is a perfect example for me of how the act of putting others before myself is a powerful fuel that can be used to get through the most challenging of situations.

Another form in which I have given has come by way of volunteering to coach two of David’s sports teams. Coaching has provided me a wonderful opportunity to bond with my son and other children new to sports. The 2-10 year old young athletes I’ve worked with have brought so much energy and life to my days; children’s carefree and joyous spirits are contagious!

Coaching also leaves me with a very satisfying “completing the cycle” feeling. I was very involved in sports as a child, and most of the coaches I had growing up were such wonderful male figures in my life. So it’s a most fulfilling feeling to give back while having the opportunity to play such an important role in the children’s lives; one where I can strive to be that same positive influence that my coaches were to me.

Celebrating after our first game
June 2009

Pre-game talk with, David, my mighty 3^rd baseman!
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I also continue to share in another volunteer experience that involves my son; one that’s very unique. Since David was 4 years old, we have been hospice volunteers. This typically takes place once a week at a local nursing home where we are assigned one or two hospice residents to visit. Our main duty is simply to be with the residents and their families during this very challenging time; to offer support and comfort during a loved one’s final days of life.

Our initial volunteer coordinator, who assigned our hospice residents to us, was witness to the special things that occurred during our visits. Along the same lines as “art therapy”, “pet therapy”, or “music therapy”, she called our form of resident support: “child therapy”. The presence of a young child brings an instant and heartwarming comfort, even in the most dire of circumstances. It truly is a magical occurrence to behold.

To give you a better idea of it all, I’d like to share a couple of hospice items with you. The first is an article I was asked to write for our monthly hospice newsletter. Every month one of the volunteers was picked to write a short account of their experiences. When it was my turn, this is what I wrote:

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There’s So Much Life in Death
August 2009

My five year old son and I find it incredibly rewarding to be hospice volunteers. We really enjoy supporting the residents and families who are faced with death. My 27 year old wife passed unexpectedly from cardiomyopathy a few months after the birth of our son, and since that time I have been especially drawn to things that help me to see all the life in death. This is such a wonderfully complex challenge, but to me it all boils down to learning to see the infinite power of love. “Love will find a way” is one of my favorite sayings. When my son and I visited with Joe, Chuck, or now with Kathleen—I see love finding a way.

I am so grateful my son can take part in this volunteer work with me. It’s easy to see that the residents we visit enjoy his company. Their faces light up as soon as they see him! Whether we’re all reading together, telling each other about our latest adventures, or exploring something else that’s fun to do, the time seems to fly by! I treasure the time I spend with my son during these visits. He is usually sitting on my lap, and we are free from cell phones, emails, video games, etc. It’s just the three of us spending special time together, and the rest of the world is put on hold.

I also appreciate the dialogue and growth that these experiences have created for my son and me. Together, we are both learning about the wonders of giving. The times that I give my love to others are the times that I feel closest to my purpose. And we are both seeing time and time again how death can physically separate us from another but how There’s So Much Life in Death, because Love is forever present, and Love will find a way.
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Here’s the 2nd item, a portion of an email I wrote to a friend describing one of our hospice visits:
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David and I went to the nursing home tonight for a hospice visit and made the most wonderful discovery! We found out by accident that one of the ladies that we’ve been visiting with for months loves balloons!!! One of the residents had a birthday, and there were a couple of colorful balloons that had drifted over on the floor near our resident’s seat. I picked one up and batted it in the air to David, and we played for a little bit hitting it back and forth…and the ladies in the room were getting a kick out of it…well then surprisingly, our resident motioned for the balloon! I tapped it her way and she swatted it back like a pro!!!  She remained in her chair and David and I circled up…and the three of us had a fantastic time hitting it around to each other! And on top of it all, I could not believe how quick she was!…she still has some lightning fast reflexes!!! It was really shocking to be honest. I’ve watched her struggle and struggle when trying to eat and then here she was hitting this balloon around like a cat swatting at a bird….it was truly amazing to see! I told David afterwards at dinner, “That just goes to show you that everyone has something that will excite them and bring them to life…the trick is trying to find it!”. Before we left our resident asked if we could play with balloons again sometime! I’m so excited!!!!! Oh, and we got another of the residents involved too…she was smiling ear to ear….I can’t even tell you how much fun today’s visit was!!!

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Not only do we form meaningful relationships with the hospice residents we’re assigned to, but we’ve also become close friends with other nursing home residents we’ve met during our visits. I actually consider my friends at the nursing home to be some of the greatest friends I have.

I leave the best of myself inside that nursing home; but because of Giving’s boomerang type effect, I always leave feeling more complete than when I arrived, and I absolutely love that it’s something so special I can do with my son.

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As a widower, I’ve also had the opportunity to give on Julie’s behalf. This has taken place on numerous occasions. Here’s a letter that describes one of them. It’s a note I received from a dear family friend, in September of 2004:
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Dear Eric,

Thank you so very much for thinking of me. I absolutely love Julie’s red and blue fleece that you gave to me. What a comfort it has been. Thank you too for the silver ring. What a treasured keepsake. I truly feel honored that you thought of me in such a special way. 

I hope classes are going well at KSU. If I can help in any way please let me know. 

John and I both enjoyed your visit. David is a joy! You and your families must be doing something right. He sure is a happy baby!! Please give him a hug from me.

Say Hi to your family and Julie’s too. I so miss her. Please take care and keep in touch.

Sincerely,
Sue
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It feels incredibly good whenever I’m able to share special pieces of Julie with others. I think this kind of giving feels so healing to me because it is yet another reminder of how Julie’s love lives on.

The greatest example of giving on Julie’s behalf that I can think of was carrying out her wishes to be an organ donor. Here are portions of two letters I saved that explain the result of each donation:

LifeBanc
Organ Donation in Support of Life
April 7, 2004 

Dear Mr. Vaiksnoras,
On behalf of LifeBanc, I would like to express my condolences on the loss of your wife, Julie. Our thoughts are with you. The tissues donated will provide many people with an improved quality of life through transplantation. I would like to let you know the outcome of the donation.

Lifebanc was able to recover tissue for transplantation.

The bone tissue that was recovered will be transplanted into patients who require corrective surgery for injuries or bone tumors. In some cases, this will prevent amputation of a limb.

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and the 2nd donation letter…
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CLEVELAND EYE BANK
April 9, 2004

Dear Mr. Vaiksnoras,
We wish to express our sympathy to you and your family in the loss of your wife, Julie Vaiksnoras.

Your decision to share the gift of sight was a compassionate and generous one. We hope it will be of comfort to you to know that two people are able to see again because of this very special gift.
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Reading these letters always takes my breath away and usually leaves me a crying wet mess. I release tears of everything; concentrated drops of sorrow, joy, pain, love, and peace—lots of peace.

In conclusion, I’m seeing my life as one that’s being lived for others, and the more I live it in that way, the better I feel. It’s not about me; I’m the tiniest little speck in an enormous universe. It’s about the significant role I play in connecting with it all. And oddly enough, the kind of unselfish thinking that often has me giving of myself, is giving me the world.

 

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