Sign The Thank You Card Today!

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

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YOU’RE INVITED TO SIGN THIS VERY SPECIAL “THANK YOU CARD”
How does this card work?

Join me in signing this card at any time and as often as you’d like.
Do you have anything that you’re thankful for? Simply respond below and share any loving expression of thanks that you would like to offer the world.

Or if you’d prefer, you can leave your response within an identical post on my HoneyIShrunkTheGrief.com Facebook page

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I’ve decided to make this post a Big, Permanent, & Ongoing part of HoneyIShrunkTheGrief. Why?
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Because . . .

-Being grateful is life-changing.
-Being grateful is only a thought away.

-Giving thanks is an act of giving, and I feel good whenever I give.

-I feel deeply connected to the world, therefore it feels most appropriate for me to share my thoughts of thanks with you/with the world.
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You can find my first submission below. I will be back to leave additional messages whenever I’m feeling grateful, or whenever I’m feeling low (thinking about all the goodness in my life always lifts my spirits, so I would like to get into the habit of returning to this post often).

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If you’d like to leave your own message of thanks in the comment section below, please feel free to use my format, or whatever format feels best to you.

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Or if you’d prefer to just read the collection of responses that are left over time, that’s great too. I’m grateful for You, and for your interest in giving thanks, and you’re welcome to share in this in whatever way you’d like.
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Dear World,.

Thank You for giving me this place to share life and express myself. Connectedness is the oxygen of my soul.

Thank You for surrounding me with loving people. “You complete me”.

Thank You for the double rainbow I saw with my son David on Sunday. Rainbows take my breath away and fill me with hope. And I learned something really cool too…David told me that his teacher taught him that whenever there is a 2nd rainbow, the colors in the 2nd one are reversed…and it was true, they were! Fascinating!

Thank You for the excitement that comes with knowing that I’ll always be a student.

Thank You for the misty rain that covered me on my bike ride this morning. I felt like I was riding through a cloud!…and it felt like the world was baptizing me! Renewing!

Thank You to welovegratitude.com for being a large part of the inspiration for this post. Such a beautiful site…overflowing with love.

Thank You for the Fall season. It reminds me of all the glory within Change. It reminds me that life involves constant change. It reminds me to welcome change; to seek out its beauty — its new and nourishing perspective is everywhere. All I have to do is open my eyes…look…and feel.

Thank You for the courage to love. Love makes me wonderfully vulnerable…and opens the doors and windows of my heart…and allows the soft and warm breeze of life to freely pass through…while whisking away the daily muck that I accumulate that clouds my vision. Long live love!

Thank You for imagination. It all starts with a spark of imagination (and then throw in some creativity, and let the party begin!). I imagine this first post as a seed, that grows and grows…and becomes massive…and stands tall and proud like a big Redwood tree!…and provides shelter, direction, and nourishment.

Thank You for the courage and bravery needed to take a chance…to explore…to try new things…while following the songs of my heart. Who knows what’s behind any door? Only one way to find out :)

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Forever Grateful,
Eric.

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Bellybuttons & Other Collectables

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

My son and I were just having a conversation about bellybuttons. He wanted to know why some people have “innie” bellybuttons and some people have “outies”. I did my best to try and explain the whole umbilical cord process, and how they cut it and tie it off after birth, and then how the remainder of the cord falls off days later. I’m not a bellybutton expert, but I imagine this final “fall off” phase is where the answer to his question lies? . . . being that everyone’s scrap of cord breaks off in its own unique way, resulting in an “innie” or “outie”? (Well, that’s how I explained it to David . . . please correct me if I’m wrong)

So, this conversation with my son made me think about his birth.
The doctor let me cut his umbilical cord (memorable!…definitely not something you do every day!), and then days later when it fell off, I didn’t have the heart to just throw it away. I viewed it as a special part of the bridge that connected my son to Julie, and felt a need to save it, so I put it inside a couple Ziploc bags. Eight years later, I still have it! (I was going to post a pic of it, but I decided that sharing the story was probably enough!)

Do you have an interesting “memento” story to share? Or an unusual collection of anything? Maybe something that many people would never think about saving, but for some reason, you felt an attachment to it?
What do you like to save or collect? Why?

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Feeling grateful? or feeling low? Sign the Thank You Card!

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Wise Cave Dweller

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

What grief is teaching me:
If you can’t change a situation, change how you feel about that situation.

I’m learning how powerful that thought is, and how much it applies to shrinking grief or any other painful or undesirable emotion. With these thoughts in mind, the big question then becomes “How do I change how I feel?”

I’ve read and reflected quite a bit on this subject. Much of what I’ve read emphasizes the importance of first addressing the “Why?“. Determining Why it’s important to change a feeling/behavior will illuminate the individual steps that make up the path to How I should go about making a desired change.

Another really big thing I’ve experienced often, when any kind of change is being observed/discussed, is how important it is for me to realize that I have a say in what happens to me. And I believe one of the best ways for me to see that “I have a say”, is to look at any situation and determine which variables I have control over . . . then, address these potent variables in a hopeful way.

Example:

Can I bring Julie or any loved one “back”?

No.

So this is not a controllable variable.

But, can I connect with her love, if and when needed?
Yes.

So this is a controllable variable (& one that I’ve found to be one of my strongest).

In summary, I’m seeing that grief is teaching me a valuable skill set that applies to so much of life:

1. Determine WHY I want to change something.
2. The realization of my WHY, and the resulting tidal wave of positive reinforcement that this brings, will help me meet all the demands related to HOW I go about making a change.
3. In order for any of this to matter, I have to believe that “I have a say” in my situation/what I experience. And one of the most empowering ways I’ve found to remind myself that I do have a say, is to look at all of the variables of any situation . . . determine which ones I have control of . . . and then address the controllable ones in a hopeful way.

Comments on any of the above are welcome.
Thank you for listening . . . and for sharing any thoughts you have.

Thanks for listening . . . and for sharing any thoughts you have.

What is grief teaching you?

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Serenade

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

Bonnie Raitt: Take My Love With You

I like this song. I like its slow steady reassuring sound and lyrics. And when I listen to it I can hear loved ones singing it to me . . . Julie, my dad, my grandparents . . . and others who are no longer physically present. I can feel them serenading me and reminding me that they’re still around.

Love will find a way.

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Vulnerability

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

Within my free online book, I mention the idea that Grief for me was largely about the fear of Disconnect. I had this beautiful love affair with my wife and then one day it was suddenly gone. She was impossibly gone. Impossibly dead. And I found the resulting feelings of Disconnect to be incredibly painful.

Well, I’m continuing to learn that everything is not gone, it’s just different. This realization is very comforting to me. It addresses the large and painful fear of disconnect weapon that Grief has in its arsenal. I’ve discovered that Love Will Always Find a Way, and love has found a way. I’ve witnessed time and time again how love has the ability to softly lay down one of Griefs biggest weapons — Fear, fear of disconnect — and with that disarmament comes a nourishing peace that settles my frightened soul. I’m ok. I just get scared sometimes. And rightly so.

If these thoughts resonate with you, I encourage you to watch a TED video on Youtube by Brene Brown called “The Power Of Vulnerability”. (a link to the video is provided at the end of this post.) I watched it for the first time last night and felt a big connection to grief and suffering. I also see a big connection to why I share my experiences with you here. I share myself and my most intimate thoughts so publicly with you because I see the value in being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is freeing, healing. My soul aches to be as free as possible. I have so much love to share. I want to shine, and fly, and I don’t want to do it alone. I want to connect and share life with you…and be vulnerable together.

Thank you for listening and for being vulnerable with me.

And here are some notes I took from the Brene Brown video:
~You can’t selectively numb emotion. When we attempt to numb a particular emotion such as vulnerability, we also numb other things such as joy, happiness, and gratitude
~Shame & Fear is what makes up “excruciating vulnerability”
~When you ask people about love…they tell you about heartache. When you ask people about connection…they tell you about disconnection. Why is this?? because Connection is why we’re here…it’s Very important to us…so it’s natural to Have A Fear Of Disconnection.
~Do we have to fear disconnection? No.
~What are some principle factors that determine whether we fear disconnection:
1. Have/Develop a sense of WORTHINESS (Do you believe your worthy of Love? Do you believe that you’re Enough?)
2. Have/Develop COURAGE (to be imperfect)
3. Have/Develop COMPASSION (to be kind to yourself…which allows you to be kind to others)
4. Have/Develop CONNECTION (with Life. this involves a willingness to let go of who you think you should be, in order to be yourself)

Brene Brown mentions that being vulnerable is all about Loving Even When There’s No Guarantee. Isn’t that a beautiful and thought provoking statement? And I would like to add to her healing thought by contributing the idea that I believe whenever we love, There IS A Guarantee. Not that our relationship will never Be Different…but that the love that is created, will Always exist. It’s there when it’s created, and it’s still there and accessible today. Guaranteed. It just may take some time to learn how to connect with it. Understandable. Any kind of change requires growth. . .and death certainly is a big change.

Here’s a link to the video if you’d like to reflect more on all this stuff…

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Three Words

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

Curious, Loving, Encouraging

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What 3 words. . .do you choose. . .to define you?
(words that define you today. . .or define who you’re becoming)

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David’s Light Show

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

We went to see some fireworks over Labor Day weekend and ended up purchasing a plastic light-up kids sword from one of the vendors. After the fireworks were over David was showing us some of his moves!…and we discovered that when the sword was in motion it had a really cool effect on film!

May the force be with you!

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Fear Is Ok

Posted on September 27, 2012 by EricV

FEAR IS OK

(the comments below were taken from a Northshore P.R.E.P.S. gymnastics “Keys to Success” document and discuss ways in which parents can help their kids overcome Fear in gymnastics. I appreciated the guidance. It also made me think about how Fear plays a significant role in Grief, and how these same thought patterns may also help to make grief less scary)

“I can’t” means it is not possible for that person to do something. This is FAILURE BEFORE TRYING, which is negative self-confidence. NEGATIVE SELF-CONFIDENCE IS A FEELING. That feeling my be real or imagined, but it is a feeling. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings. Telling someone “YES, YOU CAN” only tells the person that they cannot trust their own feelings and they are a failure.

So what might you do? CHANGE THE WORD “CAN’T”, TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE. Try to help the child REPLACE THE WORD “CAN’T” WITH ANOTHER FEELING WORD. “I’m scared, I need help, it’s too hard, I don’t know how to do it.” Once they have changed the word to another feeling word, you have something tangible to work with. (Personalize the progression of the skill for the child so the child can be successful.)
Get down to the child’s level by asking questions “Are you scared, etc. rather that saying “Trust me – you can.” (Don’t trust yourself, you don’t know what you are talking about.) Don’t undermine self-trust. Don’t argue with them. “Would it be less scary if we do it together? Or would it be less scary if I lowered the bar and we did it slowly?”
BEING SCARED IS NORMAL AND NATURAL AND IT’S OK! Children need to learn to deal with the feeling. They need to learn to deal with anxiety and learn how to handle it. It’s not a red light; it’s a yellow light. It’s learning how to take risk and finding the result is FUN NOT FAILURE. Being careful. Do your homework. Lower the progression, the beam, the bars, etc. Take the fear out of risk. Fear does not have to make sense. It’s an emotion. Acknowledge fear and work together to overcome it.

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Show Life That You Have a 1000 Reasons To Smile

Posted on September 13, 2012 by EricV

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“When life gives you a Hundred reasons to cry,
show life that you have a Thousand reasons to smile.”
~Author Unknown

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Meaning Of Life (part2)

Posted on September 13, 2012 by EricV

I believe we are each flawless, perfect miracles. It’s probably fair to say that we all need a little dusting off from time to time to fully appreciate the beauty that is us…but underneath any life debris that we each may have collected, I believe is perfection. This is a given to me.

So the question becomes, where does all the interference come from?
If we’re each perfect, why isn’t there more harmony in the world?

I posted some thoughts the other day about The Meaning of Life…and a new thought just occurred to me. Is there anything in life that has the power to hold us back and keep us from shining, other than ourselves?

So maybe The Meaning of Life simply involves becoming masters of our thoughts (specifically, loving thoughts)?

Seems to me that those who have become proficient at having loving thoughts experience the greatest of this life’s riches: peace/harmony/balance/joy/fulfillment/love/flow/happiness.

Wow, maybe I just discovered the Meaning of Life?!!

If I was on the game show Jeopardy right now, and Alex asked me what my big final round response would be to:
THE PURSUIT OF MASTERING ONE’S OWN THOUGHTS…

I would answer “WHAT IS, THE MEANING OF LIFE?”

I wonder if I would win?

Tough question, but I’m having fun thinking about it.
Hope you too are having fun and kicking butt in your game of life!

(9/28/12 update: if you’re enjoying this Meaning of Life discussion, I invite you to dive deeper into the subject and check out the passionate exchanges I was involved in at the Sunny Day Talks blog site)

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Stay Thirsty My Friends

Posted on September 3, 2012 by EricV

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“I don’t always think about grief, but when I do, I choose HoneyIShrunkTheGrief dot com. Stay thirsty my friends.” ~The Most Interesting Man In The World

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Identifying Feelings

Posted on September 1, 2012 by EricV

My son came home with a stack of papers from his first day of school. One in particular caught my attention and made me an instant fan of his new teacher.

The “How Do I Feel Today?” handout (shown in the pic above) was given to David and his classmates. Each student was asked to color the figures that represented how they were feeling.

My son colored “Satisfied” and “Happy”, which I felt grateful to see, as those are both desired emotions that feel good. But even if he was experiencing a less “feel good” emotion, I still would have praised him…for the wonderful act of identifying the feelings that he was having.

I think this classroom handout is golden, and I’d like to incorporate it into my life. It teaches kids — and parents like me! — the importance of reflecting on what they’re feeling. This act is freeing because by addressing our feelings, it opens up millions of doors and pathways inside us, allowing things to flow…things like empowering thoughts and new ideas…things that show us how to manage whatever classroom activity life is currently presenting to us.

Thanks for listening. I feel honored to share my thoughts/feelings with you…and as always, I welcome your thoughts.
How do you feel about all this?
Do you feel it’s beneficial to recognize your feelings?…or can you operate just as well by letting your subconscious handle that stuff, and maybe you prefer to just react instinctively?

Hmm, those last questions now have me thinking even deeper about this. Maybe if we get into the habit of pausing periodically to identify our feelings…and get into the habit of then proceeding in a manner that we determine to be the best course of action for things such as re-gaining balance…or feeling happiness/joy/harmony…maybe through the course of repetitive behaviors like that….our initial reactions, and our outcomes, will become more desirable/beneficial? And after we become more proficient at this whole process — one that involves Identifying and Thinking about how we choose to handle a feeling — I bet our repetitive “thinking” successes shift to a process that occurs on more of an Automatic level…one that doesn’t involve as much thinking, because the nature in which we address our feelings has then become a healthful habit…allowing us to expend more of our energy in different areas of personal growth.

Some food to think about / to feel about :)

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My Printer Is Smarter Than a Fortune Cookie

Posted on September 1, 2012 by EricV

While recently installing a new printer, the following thought provoking message popped up on my computer screen:

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“Now time and location are irrelevant”
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I smiled because the message reminded me of death.
When it comes to accessing love, death is teaching me that “time and location are irrelevant”. My deceased loved ones have transformed into something even greater. They are very much alive in my heart, and I continue to be amazed how they are still available anytime I need them.

More comforting proof that love will always find a way!

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That Smurfs!

Posted on September 1, 2012 by EricV

Ughh…I forgot to get french toast sticks at the grocery store yesterday.
I usually eat oatmeal for breakfast, but for some reason I’m really craving french toast sticks right now!

David and the neighborhood kids taught me to yell out, “That Smurfs!” when I need to get out any frustrations. They know I don’t like it when they say “that sucks”, so they came up with an alternative “G rated” word that they could safely use. I’m not even sure what “smurfs” have to do with anything, but I must say that it makes me laugh…and it made me forgot all about my tragic french toast sticks dilemma just now!

Do you have a “G rated” thing that you or your kids say that makes you feel better when an unwanted thing happens? (Like if you bump your head hard on something…or somebody cuts you off in traffic…or if you ram your shoeless toe into a corner…or you forget your french toast sticks!)

What innocent and fun thing do you say when you feel like swearing but don’t want to swear?!

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Growing Pains

Posted on September 1, 2012 by EricV

Here’s a recent conversation about pain&growth I had with my 8yr old son that warmed my heart…

David: “Daddy, I woke in the middle of the night because my legs hurt really bad. I think it was Growing Pains.”
Daddy: “Awe, ouch. I’m sorry.”
David: “Do Growing Pains mean I’m growing?”
Daddy: “Yes, I believe they do.”
David: “Oh good. That’s what I was thinking about during them, and it made me feel better.”

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Honey, I Shrunk The Grief!

A YOUNG WIDOWER DISCOVERS LOVE WILL FIND A WAY

Monthly Archives: September 2012

Sign The Thank You Card Today!

Bellybuttons & Other Collectables

Wise Cave Dweller

Serenade

Vulnerability

Three Words

David’s Light Show

Fear Is Ok

Show Life That You Have a 1000 Reasons To Smile

Meaning Of Life (part2)

Stay Thirsty My Friends

Identifying Feelings

That Smurfs!

Growing Pains